Mark Twain quotes

We are all stupid, just on different subjects.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

To get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

The Bible: It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.

The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn´t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four days.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for.

Let us be thankful for the fools. Because of them the rest of us could not succeed.

A room without books is like a body without a soul.

Plan for the future because that's where you are going to spend the rest of your life.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

The two most important days in your life are, the day you are born and the day you find out why.